A girl? No – a marriage material.
Liberty of choosing your partner in India is still a privileged joy, considering this at a time when we have already passed 73 years since we got the independence in 1947. An independent India is not as independent as it appears in terms of an individual’s choice of his partner. This concern is as big for a male as for a female, although females are seen having more troubles with deprivation of this choice since they have to change houses after marriage and so much more.
There have been a lot of woes relating to the institution of marriage since the ancient time such as child marriage, ban on widow remarriage, ban on inter-caste marriage and dowry system etc.
In a patriarchal society where women are identified through a cycle of relationships. Firstly, a divine mother, then a loving and domestic wife and then best-at-child-rearing mother again. The past has never been kind to women and uncomplainingly outright, the present is also not so kind.
A woman or a girl is looked at with a perspective of “marriage material”. When a girl is born, all her family wishes for her to be as feminine as she can so that they can find a perfect groom for her. The kind of femininity that is expected here is also subject to lots of faulty definitions leading to controversy.
A girl is expected to have her dreams and aspirations aligned with her family members. She can study, shine in career and enjoy her bachelorhood as long as her parents wish. But as she turns 25, the whole world’s wedding bells start echoing in her ears deafening her dreams and sabotaging her goals. Indian parents not only decide her partner but also decide the time when she will get married. And the question of “not getting married at all” doesn’t even have a chance to arise. Because according to society, Shaadi – is a compulsion.
Overrated Indian Marriages and Weddings
The institution of marriage is overrated in Indian society from various angles. Firstly, the amalgamation of two souls is divine. But does it really have to be as pompous and lavish as modern weddings have become? Because the concept of pompous wedding is hollow in terms of reasoning. There’s absolutely no sense in wasting huge amount of money just for the sake of celebration. The same money can be saved for future endeavours. Or how about spending the exact fat amount on the study of your girl-child?
Secondly, Indians are obsessed with accumulating unwanted relatives in the name of “Sanskaar”. What’s the purpose of inviting a large number of guests who are only going to gossip and complain? When will people understand that these unnecessary toxic relatives will only adversely affect your mental health? Our parents need to work on prioritizing the real and quality people and teach the same to their children. Based on this clear identification, they should limit the number of guests. Parents can very well understand the wrong friends of their children, then why can’t they identify the wrong relatives?
Thirdly, marriage doesn’t need to be a hasty job. It’s already too hard to persuade Indian parents for love marriage, but if someone is ready for an arranged marriage, then let the couple have enough time to know each other. What’s the point in letting your girl stay away from unknown men whole life and then ultimately marrying her with one? Also, the same is true for men too.
Inter-Caste Marriage? Tauba-Tauba!
Inter-caste marriage is considered a crime in our society. The institution of caste is itself vicious and discriminatory. Orthodox people like to blanket the caste system by justifying it as an authentic system of society with the explanation of Varna System in Vedas. However, if anyone who has really read the Vedas and Shastra would understand that Varna system was intended to make classes based on one’s profession and not by birth.
According to the Varna System described in the Rigveda, A man can be a Brahmin and his son can be a Vaishya. Because in Varna System, those people are attributed to the Brahmin Varna who profess academics and perform sacred worships and rituals. And those people who carry on trade or business are to be attributed in Vaishya Varna. Thus, it is clear that a single family can be comprised of various Varnas or so-called castes. So, get it done with the fuss already!
The Caste system has now become a weapon of vote-bank politics for power-hungry people. Even our innocent parents don’t understand that they get manipulated on the name of “honour” and “respect” and kill the inter-caste couples for the sake of “honour” while the actual Dharma supports the equality and humanity.
Dishonoring inter-caste marriages and couples is baseless and derogatory to the Vedas itself. When will you understand, People?
Logon ka Kaam Hai Kehna…
The compulsion of shaadi is felt like a burden on women’s shoulders. Of course, because women are the ones who change their homes. They are the ones who will have to compromise their lifestyle and get adjusted with their in-laws. They are ones who will have to ask for permission to visit their parent’s house afterwards. They’re the ones who will have to adjust with their career choices. They are the ones who will have to start focusing on child-rearing now. Ultimately, they are the ones who get harassed for the dowry. They’re the ones who get blamed for little things. And they go through all this just because they had to marry compulsorily. Their crime is that they are women in a patriarchal world. Hence, shaadi brings more woes and less happiness to a woman.
The divorce rate in India is peculiarly less than 1%. Which means only 13 marriages result in divorce out of 1000 marriages. This shows as if everything in Indian marriages is rainbow-like colourful. However, as per a report compiled by the NCRB (National Crime Records Bureau), out of the total crimes registered under the IPC (Indian Penal Code) against the women, the majority were listed under the domestic violence category – 31.9% in the year 2018. Which simply implies that Indian marriages don’t sustain because they’re based on the foundation of love, rather they begin on the parental compulsion and are based on the foundation of “log kya kahege?! (What will people think?!)”.
“Log kyaa kahenge?!” It’s such a jinxy question that it has a great power to ruin anything in India.
You’re 27! Get married or log kya kahage?!
Rajput boy and Brahmin girl! Parents won’t agree for the marriage because “Log kya kahenge?!”
Small wedding ceremony just in a temple! “Come on, Papa ki Lucknow vali mousi ji kya kahengi?!”
I hope you got the point. These “log (People)”, here in the phrase, are none other but you. So, if you as an individual decide not to judge others for the kind of marriage they wish to have or for any other cause, the phrase would automatically die out.
Now, the real question is, should shaadi be a compulsion?
The explanations like a biological cycle, family requirement, loneliness, financial crises are great to mask the unscrupulous compulsion. But the compulsion has vivid adverse effects on the life of people that usually get simmered or ignored. Again, marriage is a union of two souls and that union shouldn’t be a compulsion. The society should start changing their lookouts of viewing marriage as an objective of a person’s life.
Here is a story a strong woman Sanju Rani Verma from Uttar Pradesh who escaped her wedding and returned as a PCS Officer. Her mother got passed away so her family started pressurizing her to quit her studies and get married. She was very well aware of her responsibilities, but instead of succumbing to societal pressure, she left home and earned livelihood with great hard work. She would teach in private schools and give tuition classes to children to make money. Sanju Rani Verma cracked state PSC examination and became a PCS officer. She aspires to join Indian Civil Services now and wishes to become a District Magistrate.
Such strong women are the answer to the questions like “Log Kya Kahenge?”
If you have the guts to visualize your life in your ways and you can do anything that it requires you to succeed, then Log taaliya bajayegen yaar, aur kuch nahi keh payenge.
Marriage should be a choice of an individual and to make it a choice in a society like this, we must understand the importance of individuality. Family is the basic unit of society and building families is what marriages do. So, if we focus on reforming the issues particularly related to marriages, we can end up constructing a healthy and happy society as a whole.