There comes a point in our lives, where a new person enters and an old person leaves. Sometimes, these people become our friends. Sometimes they become family members, co-workers or acquaintances. Whatever the reason is, they come into our lives and teach us. And when time is up, they leave our lives. Sometimes, by your choice, sometimes by theirs, and sometimes by no choice – it happens. It turns out that these people affect our lives in many ways. Those who are positive provide positivity for their life. They bring you happiness, comfort and love. Those who are negative bring negativity to your life. They make you stressed, angry and, in general, unhappy.
Whose fault is it?
I believe that the main reason why a relationship with a friend changes is that we, as people, also change – or evolve if you prefer – as life goes on we gain experiences, maturity and awareness of who we really are. For me, it has a lot to do with yourself and not much with the other person, unless the person really has a poisonous influence in your life. That’s why I don’t think it’s worth looking for the culprit in the story.
Why is it so difficult to get out of a toxic relationship?
Toxic relationships affect the health and self-esteem of the members of the relationship, cause unhappiness and dissatisfaction, and despite the suffering they cause, it is very difficult to get out of them. Why does this happen? To answer this question, it is essential to understand that there are two types of relationships, healthy relationships that are win-win, and toxic relationships that are lose-lose. Obviously there are no relationships in which everything is win-win: all relationships have something healthy and something toxic. However, there are relationships that are trapped in the lose-lose pole, and they are what we call toxic relationships. The big problem that exists in the toxic type of relationships and why it is so difficult to get out, has to do with a confusion in which both in the relationship experience this lose-lose as a lose-win. In other words, part of the problem with a toxic relationship is that no one can see or experience that neither makes a profit. Instead of being able to see and experience that both lose with manipulation, disqualification, hurtful comments, deprivation of freedom to the other, it is believed and lived as if only one lost, the weak side (the victim) and the other will win (the strong one).
Reasons why it is not easy to get out of a toxic relationship
If you are in a toxic relationship, you have probably realized that dating is not easy. It is important that you strive to achieve it and do not lose confidence that it is possible. Among the reasons why it is not easy to get out of a relationship are the following:
A toxic relationship is difficult to leave, mainly because of how good it makes you feel, despite the damage you suffer and of which you are aware, the guilt and friends and family telling you that it is not convenient for you. First of all, you have to keep in mind that you are living in a state of confusion, in which, despite being aware that your partner is hurting you and that the relationship does not suit you, at the same time something makes you feel “very good”; as if you needed or depended on the relationship for calm and stability. The reality behind this has to do with fears, insecurities, low self-esteem, manipulations, blackmail and an inability of both to see the dimensions of the problem.
We think that with time the problems will disappear, but the truth is that letting time run will not fix things. You need to act quickly and find what it takes to get out of the relationship. You have to keep in mind that if there are such serious conflicts in the relationship it is because neither of you is being able to address the challenges that arise in the relationship (which are something like unresolved individual problems from the past poorly managed). Believing that these problems will eventually go away is like thinking that continuing to ignore these challenges will solve the problem.
We believe that we can change our partner, but the truth is that you can never change the toxic person with whom you are, in fact, depending on the other to change to be well is a way of blocking your way, and that it becomes impossible get out of the relationship. This possibility necessarily depends on you.
Tips for getting out of a toxic relationship:
– Try to stay away from the toxic person. Don’t miss out on opportunities to get away from the toxic person for a while. This can help you lose the routine and the habit of seeing this person and can give space to perceive things differently.
– Take advantage of this time to get to know yourself better. Do things for yourself, discover things you used to do before you were in this relationship, find friends new or previous to this relationship.
– Make you lose the power that the toxic person has over you.
Ask yourself convenient questions: –
– Do I really deserve to be in this toxic relationship?
– Do I really want to live like this? Can I imagine every day of my life inside this relationship?
– Would my life be better without this relationship?
– Why am I attracted to this type of relationship?
– How can I take back the reins of my life?
1) End self-deception
The first step in getting out of a toxic relationship is acknowledging that you are in one. Be open to insights and opinions from friends and family. While they may not necessarily be accurate, it is important that you simply keep them in mind and do not close yourself off to the people who are important to you. Ask yourself questions about how you feel after seeing this person, if they make you feel weak or cheer you up. When you are not with the person, ask yourself if you want to see them, or if you feel that something bad is going to happen if you do not see them, or if you feel it as an obligation. Ask yourself if you feel fear before or after spending time together, or if you feel intimidated, disappointed, or hurt by things he says or does to you.
2) You are not the only one to blame for the relationship not working
The most important step to letting go of a toxic relationship is to realize that despite what the partner tells you, you are not the only one to blame or responsible for things not going well in the relationship.
3) Know what the antidote to the toxicity of the relationship is
If we do not adequately face the challenges that arise when it comes to relating as a couple, our relationship can become toxic. These challenges have to do with unresolved problems that each one drags from their own past, and that emerge in an important relationship due to trust, intimacy and closeness. We call the consequences of mishandling these unresolved problems toxic, so the antidote has to do in the first place with identifying what is this unresolved problem that our relationship confronts us with. This means that, regardless of whether or not to continue with the relationship, it is necessary to address these unresolved problems. Since, in fact, breaking away from a relationship is no guarantee that the problem will end there. Well, there are risks that you could re-enter another toxic relationship in the future. This does not mean that you have to stay inside the relationship. When a couple hurts each other it is very difficult to solve problems, and they are rarely able to find the strength to do them. So it is convenient to break up and distance yourself from the toxic relationship.
4) Identify the toxic behaviour of both one and the other
It is very likely that you already have identified what are the toxic behaviours in your relationship, only that you see them with innocent eyes and find ways to justify them. Identifying toxic behaviours has to do with learning to see how you relate to each other from a different perspective. When you say: “deep down he is a good person, I will help him figure out how to act”, or “he is jealous of me because he loves me”, or even “he hits me because he has suffered a lot”, in all these cases it is about toxic behaviours that you should avoid.
5) Say no to fear, you deserve better
It is important for you to realize that you can live without this person. The main reason why we stay in toxic relationships too long has to do, most of the time, with the fear of not being able to find someone better. This causes us to endure many things that we should not tolerate. A man who was abandoned as a child by his father, for example, may allow attitudes and actions of his partner that harm him, out of fear that his partner will abandon him.